Are Estranged Adult Children's Online Communities Making Reconciliation Impossible?

Tonight's conversation with Steven Howard

Tonight, Steven Howard and I are going to discuss the ways that online communities supporting estrangements may make reconciliation far more difficult than it should be. Steven writes the very informative Journeys by the Styx Substack

Photo by Beth Hope on Unsplash

Here are some of the strategies that we’ll discuss:

1. Labeling Reconnection Attempts as “Love Bombing”

Even heartfelt gestures like sending a card, a birthday gift, or expressing remorse may be dismissed as “love bombing” — a term often used in narcissistic abuse contexts — regardless of the intent or emotional tone behind the action.

2. Interpreting Emotional Expression as Manipulation

If a parent expresses sadness, regret, or longing, these feelings might be recast as guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail. Communities may discourage acknowledging the parent's pain at all, seeing it as a tactic rather than a genuine emotion.

3. Assuming Malignant or Manipulative Intent Regardless of Evidence

Some narratives lean heavily on the assumption that if estrangement occurred, then the parent must be fundamentally unsafe, emotionally immature, or abusive — making any outreach inherently suspect, regardless of context or change over time.

4. Pathologizing the Desire for Contact as Control

A parent’s desire to restore connection might be seen not as love or reconciliation, but as an attempt to reassert control or reclaim a lost “narcissistic supply.”

5. Framing All Apologies as Strategic, Not Sincere

Even carefully considered apologies or efforts to take accountability may be interpreted as part of a manipulative strategy to draw the adult child back in, rather than seen as growth or self-awareness.

6. Discouraging Nuanced Views

Some online spaces enforce a black-and-white view of estrangement — where one party is the victim and the other the perpetrator — and may marginalize or shame members who express ambivalence, mixed emotions, or a desire to explore reconciliation.

7. Using Diagnostic Language Casually

Terms like “narcissist,” “gaslighting,” or “toxic” are sometimes used liberally, without clinical context, to describe a wide range of parental behaviors — including those that might stem from cultural norms, generational gaps, or miscommunication.

The Zoom call will be recorded and available for replay the following day, however it’s only available for paid members (current fee is $7 a month and you can cancel at any time).

We hope to see you there!