Dating While Estranged
To tell or not to tell? That is the question
The shame and social isolation caused by estrangement can make it harder for singles to be as self-disclosing as they might be otherwise. “Will I be judged?” “What should I say?” “Should I avoid the topic?” “How will I feel if it ends the possibility of what looked like a promising relationship?”
Take your time
While you’re free to say as much as you like, you’re not obligated to disclose the most painful and vulnerable part of your life to someone you don’t yet know. Given that, it’s fine to be vague about your estrangement until you feel confident enough in the other to provide more details.
What does being vague mean? It means saying things “I don’t see him or her as much as I’d like,” or report on what they were doing the last time you heard.
What if they reject me over it?
They might. A lot of people don’t understand estrangement. And you might reject them over something that you discover in them. That’s what makes dating so risky. Getting rejected or learning how to reject someone is part of the package.
On the other hand, your estrangement is an important part of your reality. Someone who isn’t capable of being understanding, empathic and supportive isn’t a good match for you. While it can’t and shouldn’t be the sole topic of conversation, you, in all likelihood will want and need to talk about it with some frequency. Therefore, it would be bad for you to be with someone who doesn’t have the ability to be empathic to your struggles.
So take a month or two to get to know them if this is something that worries you. But eventually you should talk about it. And if it ends over that, then they weren’t the right person to begin with.
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It is similar when making new friends. We moved into a 55+ community 2 years ago. I have only told one new friend about our situation and it took a long time to do so.
Good advice, Josh !