Do I Even Matter?

Managing the feelings of displacement and loss of identity. Zoom webinar this Tuesday

Jul 04, 2026

∙ Paid

Happy Fourth of July. Despite our many problems as a country, there’s still much to be proud of. And if you hate the politics, visit our amazing national parks, our beaches and our cities. You’ll meet wonderful people even if you don’t agree with their politics!

green, red, and white fireworks on sky at nighttime — Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash

Upcoming events

NYU Doctors Radio (Sirius XM) this Monday, July 6 at 8AM PT talking about my recent WaPo article: Is familial estrangement a dating red flag?

NYU Doctors Radio (Sirius XM) Tuesday July 21 at 9AM PT discussing my prior WaPo article 10 therapist approved ways to reduce anxiety fast. Hope you can listen in.

Stanford University Lecture: Tuesday July 14th I’ll be giving another talk on the cultural underpinnings of estrangement

This Tuesday Webinar for paid subscribers ($7 a month and you can cancel whenever you like) Tuesday, July 7th, 430-530 PT. Do I Even Matter? Register at end of article and post your questions in the comments section.

Why Mattering May Be One of Our Most Fundamental Psychological Needs

When psychologists talk about what people need to flourish, they usually mention self-esteem, belonging, autonomy, or purpose.

But according to psychologists Gordon Flett and Isaac Prilleltensky, we’ve overlooked something even more fundamental:

The need to matter.

Mattering isn’t simply feeling good about yourself. Nor is it the same as belonging.

As Flett defines it, mattering is the belief that you are significant to other people—that your presence makes a difference and your absence would be noticed. Remarkably, studies show that feeling as though you don’t matter predicts depression, loneliness, relationship distress, and even suicidal thinking above and beyond factors like self-esteem or social support. In other words, you can feel reasonably confident about yourself and still suffer deeply if you believe your life has little significance to anyone else.

Prilleltensky expands the idea even further. He argues that mattering has two inseparable parts: feeling valued by others and adding value to others. We thrive not only when people appreciate us, but when we know our lives contribute to theirs.

This helps explain why family estrangement can be so psychologically devastating.

Most parents assume they will always occupy an important place in their children’s lives. Not necessarily a central one—but an enduring one. We expect to be called when something wonderful happens or when life falls apart. We imagine ourselves attending birthdays, graduations, weddings, and eventually watching grandchildren grow.

These aren’t simply expectations about contact.

They’re expectations about mattering.

When an adult child becomes estranged, parents often tell me they feel invisible. Many say that what hurts most isn’t the anger or even the rejection. It’s the realization that someone who once depended on them for everything now appears able—or willing—to live as though they scarcely exist.

Research suggests that this feeling of no longer mattering strikes at something deeper than self-esteem. It attacks our sense of significance.

Fortunately, the research also offers hope.

silhouette of person standing on rock surrounded by body of water

Prilleltensky reminds us that mattering is not something bestowed by only one relationship. We experience it whenever we contribute meaningfully to another person’s life. We matter as friends, spouses, mentors, neighbors, volunteers, therapists, teachers, and caregivers. Every time we make someone else’s life a little better, we strengthen our own sense that we matter.

That doesn’t erase the pain of estrangement.

Nothing does.

But it does challenge one of estrangement’s cruelest lies: that because you no longer matter to one person, your life no longer matters.

For many estranged parents, healing doesn’t begin when their child returns. It begins when they gradually reclaim the many places where they have always mattered—but could no longer see.

ONLY 6 MORE TICKETS LEFT FOR SUMMER SUMMIT IN-PERSON BUT

DISCOUNT VIRTUAL PASSES STILL AVAILABLE FOR NOW

Many of you have written to say that you’d love to come to the summit in Chicago but can’t afford it or can’t attend personally. We listened and as a result created a Virtual Pass so you can view it remotely or listen to the recording for $245. You can register and learn more here.

For those unable to travel, the Virtual Summit Pass is an opportunity to participate in these important conversations from anywhere in the world and gain insights from experts who have spent decades researching, counseling, and working with families navigating complex relationship challenges.

And to register for the in-person experience go here. Being there in person allows you to develop a community of other estranged parents, network, and meet the speakers after the event!