I don’t know what to say in my estrangement letter because I don’t totally know why we’re estranged. 25 yo daughter went “no contact indefinitely” on December 1st from all family except my son, her brother, and she rarely talks to him. There has been a lot that has happened in her life/our lives including a mental/behavioral issues that were never diagnosed, but the last few years had been going ok, or so we thought. She has recently graduated from college and moved to a new town all on her own. Should I give it a bit longer before trying to reconnect~ let her adjust? She’s almost completely separated from us financially too.
I am the stepmother of my husband's daughter, whom I met when she was age 14. She is extremely damaged, absent father, absent mother, left with Grandmother, who was emotionally absent, and was being abused by step-grandfather. I whole-heartedly accepted her and was most likely the first and only person who loved and accepted her, with all her insecurities. She is now 60 years old and decided over a year ago to ghost me, because she said I demeaned her, which I have never done to anyone, EVER. She says that she has to stick up for herself, finally so she is totally ignoring the 4+ years of my complete and total acceptance of her and her three children. I wasn't there to protect her when she was young, and I tried to show her what a more normal family life was like throughout those years. At the drop of a hat, if something went wrong or she wanted us to support the children, for any reason, we would drive 4 hours to accommodate and be there for all of them. When she clarified why she was ghosting me, I agreed to go to therapy with her so she could express what she needed to, however her therapist didn't protect me, and allowed her to ream me with untruths, and when I didn't respond the way she had wanted, she went into a full-blown panic attack. We have not had contact for over a year.
Thank you Dr Coleman for all the guidance. I am wondering if your breakthrough workbook is in big letters as I can't see small ones and I have unfortunately bought books that I cannot read because of the size of the letters. I do prefer books over audio so I'm wondering are your letters in big print in the breakthrough book?
My wife and I have been estranged from our SIL and daughter with their 2 children, ages 4 and 2, for 25 months. We now have a granddaughter with our youngest daughter. Our estranged daughter and our youngest daughter live in the same city. My youngest daughter will be starting her daughter with swim lessons this month and we have been invited to watch. We plan on going to her swim lessons. If our youngest daughter informs us that our estranged daughter would like to attend the swim lesson without us present, we plan on still going to the swim lesson. What is your opinion on this? Thanks
Are you doing a Q&A today? You said there was no registration so I don’t know how we’re gonna be notified, it was nice to get an email, but now I don’t know how to join, I can’t keep looking at substack, could you go back to sending an email?
I read recently that the average estrangement lasts 5 years. Is this correct? On the one hand, OMG that’s awful to hear. On the other hand, there’s a certain relief: it tells me I should stop waiting and checking my phone in hope and to know that this just will have to run its course and that I should get on with my one precious life.
We communicate via text occasionally & he usually sends photos of our two granddaughters, ages 6 & 3 (who don’t know us) opening & thanking us for little cards & gifts we send.
Two times over the past decade + he has gone ‘no contact’ for several years at a time. His spouse never contacts us though does post reels on FB - Neither has blocked us.
However, cannot count how many times his father’s or my texts have gone unanswered.
So, maybe the average length of time for AC estrangement is 5 years, but one important thought I will leave you with is, that if we ever accomplish a reconciliation with our son, the relationship will never be the same.
The son we knew for 26 years before he met, married, etc, is gone forever. Will never trust him completely again - Came to this realization about 2 years ago. 😔
My young adult daughter recently reached out to me after two years of silence. She said that she wants a relationship with me again, but I need to move and go live in California so she can come to California with me. She likes California very much and thinks that if she moves she can start her life from scratch there (she is totally at odds with all her friends where we live and hates her job). I am happy to hear from her, but obviously moving to California is not straightforward. How do I handle the situation? I don’t want her to disappear for two more years.
I think parents need to be careful of the yo-yo game some adult children play - Come here, Go away, Come here, Go away. That in itself is abusive treatment, nobody wants to be treated that way, including the adult children dishing it out.
Hi Dr. Coleman, Just wanted to ask what a reconciliation scenario might look like. I’m living in radical acceptance to my best ability but need a bit of hopefulness to look forward to.
I don’t know what to say in my estrangement letter because I don’t totally know why we’re estranged. 25 yo daughter went “no contact indefinitely” on December 1st from all family except my son, her brother, and she rarely talks to him. There has been a lot that has happened in her life/our lives including a mental/behavioral issues that were never diagnosed, but the last few years had been going ok, or so we thought. She has recently graduated from college and moved to a new town all on her own. Should I give it a bit longer before trying to reconnect~ let her adjust? She’s almost completely separated from us financially too.
I am the stepmother of my husband's daughter, whom I met when she was age 14. She is extremely damaged, absent father, absent mother, left with Grandmother, who was emotionally absent, and was being abused by step-grandfather. I whole-heartedly accepted her and was most likely the first and only person who loved and accepted her, with all her insecurities. She is now 60 years old and decided over a year ago to ghost me, because she said I demeaned her, which I have never done to anyone, EVER. She says that she has to stick up for herself, finally so she is totally ignoring the 4+ years of my complete and total acceptance of her and her three children. I wasn't there to protect her when she was young, and I tried to show her what a more normal family life was like throughout those years. At the drop of a hat, if something went wrong or she wanted us to support the children, for any reason, we would drive 4 hours to accommodate and be there for all of them. When she clarified why she was ghosting me, I agreed to go to therapy with her so she could express what she needed to, however her therapist didn't protect me, and allowed her to ream me with untruths, and when I didn't respond the way she had wanted, she went into a full-blown panic attack. We have not had contact for over a year.
All of the above
Thank you Dr Coleman for all the guidance. I am wondering if your breakthrough workbook is in big letters as I can't see small ones and I have unfortunately bought books that I cannot read because of the size of the letters. I do prefer books over audio so I'm wondering are your letters in big print in the breakthrough book?
The link wasn’t sent and the link on Substack archive didn’t work either…
My wife and I have been estranged from our SIL and daughter with their 2 children, ages 4 and 2, for 25 months. We now have a granddaughter with our youngest daughter. Our estranged daughter and our youngest daughter live in the same city. My youngest daughter will be starting her daughter with swim lessons this month and we have been invited to watch. We plan on going to her swim lessons. If our youngest daughter informs us that our estranged daughter would like to attend the swim lesson without us present, we plan on still going to the swim lesson. What is your opinion on this? Thanks
The youngest daughter ideally would not accommodate the estranged daughter’s disrespectful behavior.
Great question!
I don’t see a link either for today’s Q and A. I see a register here link for an upcoming panel talk but that is all.
Are you doing a Q&A today? You said there was no registration so I don’t know how we’re gonna be notified, it was nice to get an email, but now I don’t know how to join, I can’t keep looking at substack, could you go back to sending an email?
There’s a “register here” tab after the first paragraph or two in this post.
I read recently that the average estrangement lasts 5 years. Is this correct? On the one hand, OMG that’s awful to hear. On the other hand, there’s a certain relief: it tells me I should stop waiting and checking my phone in hope and to know that this just will have to run its course and that I should get on with my one precious life.
Every situation is different.
Our AC estrangement is going on 11 years.
We communicate via text occasionally & he usually sends photos of our two granddaughters, ages 6 & 3 (who don’t know us) opening & thanking us for little cards & gifts we send.
Two times over the past decade + he has gone ‘no contact’ for several years at a time. His spouse never contacts us though does post reels on FB - Neither has blocked us.
However, cannot count how many times his father’s or my texts have gone unanswered.
So, maybe the average length of time for AC estrangement is 5 years, but one important thought I will leave you with is, that if we ever accomplish a reconciliation with our son, the relationship will never be the same.
The son we knew for 26 years before he met, married, etc, is gone forever. Will never trust him completely again - Came to this realization about 2 years ago. 😔
I wonder also if this relationship is permanently scarred, never the same.
We are one week since our daughter chose not to invite us to her June wedding. Any grief counselors you could recommend would be appreciated.
Dr. Coleman, when will the shock be over? Will my nervous system ever adjust?
My young adult daughter recently reached out to me after two years of silence. She said that she wants a relationship with me again, but I need to move and go live in California so she can come to California with me. She likes California very much and thinks that if she moves she can start her life from scratch there (she is totally at odds with all her friends where we live and hates her job). I am happy to hear from her, but obviously moving to California is not straightforward. How do I handle the situation? I don’t want her to disappear for two more years.
I think parents need to be careful of the yo-yo game some adult children play - Come here, Go away, Come here, Go away. That in itself is abusive treatment, nobody wants to be treated that way, including the adult children dishing it out.
I’m sorry to say it sounds like she reconnected to use you
Hi Dr. Coleman, Just wanted to ask what a reconciliation scenario might look like. I’m living in radical acceptance to my best ability but need a bit of hopefulness to look forward to.