Radical Listening
Sometimes radical acceptance starts with radically accepting the other person's perspective
Most estranged parents carry enormous confusion, grief, and heartbreak. Many have spent years trying to explain themselves more clearly, hoping that if their adult child could fully understand their intentions, sacrifices, or love, the relationship might soften.
But reconciliation rarely begins with persuasion.
I was struck recently by an article in The Guardian about a political strategy called “radical listening.” The idea was simple but powerful: people become less defensive and more open when they feel genuinely heard.
The article wasn’t about estrangement, but it easily could have been.
In many estranged families, conversations become dominated by competing versions of the past. Both sides want acknowledgment. Both want understanding. And after enough hurt and distance, even small conversations can feel emotionally loaded.
This is where listening matters so much.
Not listening in a way that abandons your own reality or asks you to absorb unfair blame. And not listening because your child’s version of events is the only accurate one. But listening in a way that communicates:
“I’m trying to understand your experience.”
That emotional posture alone can sometimes change the tone of a relationship.
Many adult children expect conversations with parents to become debates about facts, memory, or intentions. When a parent responds instead with steadiness, curiosity, and restraint, it sometimes lowers defensiveness and creates more emotional safety. Not always, as many of you know. But sometimes.
Sometimes a simple response like:
“I can understand why you experienced it that way”
does more to reopen dialogue than a long explanation ever could.
Listening is not surrender. It’s not self-erasure. It’s not accepting every accusation as truth.
It’s creating enough room for another person to feel emotionally received.
That’s difficult to do when you yourself feel hurt, misrepresented, or shut out. Which is why estrangement work requires so much patience and emotional strength from parents.
Not every estrangement can be repaired. But many relationships improve when the emotional atmosphere changes from proving and defending to listening and understanding.
In a culture where everyone feels increasingly unheard, the willingness to truly listen may be one of the most powerful forms of love we can offer another person — especially when the relationship matters deeply.
COMING UP
4 SESSION INTENSIVES FOR COUPLES AND INTENSIVES FOR INDIVIDUALS
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FRIDAY JULY 31ST: CHICAGO!
Summit in Chicago with Karl Pillemer, Kristina Scharp, Michele Weiner-Davis, Matthias Barker, Rachel Haack, Tania Khazaal and me!
Register here!
NEW WEBINAR SERIES FOR ESTRANGED PARENTS
BEGINS THURSDAY MAY 21ST AT 430 PT
Info and Registration links to follow in the next few days!
TOMORROW, MONDAY MAY 18 AT 930AM PACIFIC
POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH IN ESTRANGED PARENTS
WEBINAR FOR PAID SUBSCRIBERS INCLUDES LECTURE AND Q AND A
Also, recording available after it airs
MONDAY MAY 18
930AM PACIFIC
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