"Should My Ex Help Me Reconcile with My Adult Children?
Some thoughts on the topic
In my survey of 1,632 estranged parents conducted through the University of Wisconsin Survey Center, I found that some 70% of those surveyed had been through a divorce with the other parent.
As I’ve discussed in other articles, there are many ways that divorce can increase the risk of estrangement such as parental alienation, the child blaming one parent over the other for the divorce, unresolved feelings of hurt on the part of the child, or loyalty conflicts if there’s a remarriage. To name a few.
However, they arrive at estrangement, the non-estranged parent can sometimes do a lot to either make the estrangement worse or move it toward reconciliation.
In my newest article for the Washington Post’s Ask a Therapist column I try to address these issues.
Here’s how the column starts:
My husband and I waited until our son and daughter were in college before deciding to divorce. While we tried to handle the separation as reasonably as possible, our adult children are now refusing to see their father. I was a stay-at-home mother, and he traveled a lot for work. They’re now saying he wasn’t there for them emotionally, which I kind of understand. Part of the reason we divorced is that he’s not a very emotional person but I also think he was dedicated in the ways he knew how to be, as a more traditional man and father. I’ve tried to stay out of it, but I can see how much he’s hurting — and I feel some guilt about not encouraging them to reconnect more than I have. They’ve said that it’s between them and their dad, which I understand. But I don’t know if I should be doing more, or if it’s even my place. I just don’t know what’s right.
You can read the full article here or online here,
To learn more about estrangement, read “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.”
Thank you so much for this. My ex recently advocated for me with our son. They went 2 years talking to each other and not acknowledging the way my son had cut contact with me and my family without much explanation. I was the stay at home parent who was close with my son and sacrificed work to focus on his needs. My ex was emotionally and physically detached for many years, which lead to me ending our marriage. However, I kept him engaged in my family like nothing really changed. More sacrifice on my part. Over time our son was frustrated by, but adopted, his dad's avoidant and detached rigidness. I became the scapegoat for all his frustration and hurt because his dad would not hear or accept any of it. My vulnerability and empathy made "mothering" a bad word and I was blamed for his negative feelings about almost everything...even though he wrestled with still loving me. I walked on eggshells but always seemed to upset him, like he wanted me to be more Ike his dad. His cut off to me seems so backwards! I was the accepting and understanding parent. Even though my ex advocates for me, it comes out harsh, it makes me cringe, and it still has a flavor of blame that avoids any ownership in the problam: "I know your mom made mistakes, but you need to make up with her because she's your mom." He says he has no part in this, but doesn't like what's happening. It feels like he's doing me a favor, and he takes liberties to give our son advice and myself look faultless. But it's HIS behavior our son is emulating, and he knows this.
Have you seen this dynamic as well? I sense I need to stand up for myself more with our son, not less. But I'm scared to bring more blame on myself. I think my son actually needs to vent unexpressed feelings.