Wow,wow,wow. Thank you for putting into perspective, in a most clarifying way, a stunning description of what people just don’t talk about, and likely haven’t even considered. I can not even begin to express my gratitude for this essay ❤️
Yes, each time I hear an adult say they were kept warm, were well fed, always had clean clothes that fit, summer camp, birthday parties, soccer club and an education but they "never felt loved," I feel nothing but disgust. The fact that they can say such a thing in all seriousness... there's no fixing that. That is an unreasonable human being at the core.
I dunno, if today’s young adults hold grievances for what they didn’t get, and deal with that by being ungrateful, they have no idea what “doing without” means.
As I’ve commented before, we boomers grew up with stories of the war and the depression. We had nothing to complain about when we only got gifts on our birthdays and Christmas. We knew it was a whole lot more than what mom and dad had as kids. But my millennial son was privileged with things I couldn’t imagine my parents ever giving me. I have told him this when I used to point out that I didn’t appreciate his ingratitude. It never seemed to stick. In today’s vernacular, my “boundary” was “Don’t take our generosity for granted”. I tried for over 10 years to teach him something I assumed most decent people just learned themselves. But No, I was told I have an exaggerated sense of needing to be appreciated. Turn the problem around and blame me. No sense of self-reflection?
As a baby boomer, I can’t imagine ever estranging myself from my very imperfect parents. From a mother who suffered from depression and a father who held us together. Like other boomers, my parents lived through the depression and WW2. They also had parents who lived through life’s struggles. When I was in my late 40s, I gave my father a letter for Father’s Day thanking him for all he’d done during times of hardship. My mother had died young. My father cried after reading my letter. I’ll be forever grateful to my less than perfect parents. I think part of radical acceptance is understanding I won’t get the same from my estranged adult child.
This is a great article, Dr. Coleman. Sadly, a sense of what is right, compassion for others, empathy, and understanding, are void, it seems in this generation. The inability to accept someone for for who they are and forgive are all but non existent. GenZ is the generation of entitlement. I believe the only way back to a loving civilization is for US ALL to open our hearts to our creator, our God. He is love. He is compassion. He created us to forgive others. May sound simplistic - but I truly believe GOD is our only answer… BTW - I gave my daughter the gift of music… which is her passion and love : now, a violinist — Yet, It seems like she doesn’t think of what I sacrificed for her (incl: horses, tennis, dance, etc…) sadly, she is not grateful - as I am for what my parents gave me ( albeit many shortcomings) but I am still, grateful🙏🏽 for how they provided for my sisters and me 💕
Dr. Coleman, for whom I have respect, states several things in this piece that are central to estrangement behavior:
"In estrangement, I often see adult children assign disproportionate weight to what they didn’t receive"
"It’s as if the relationship is being evaluated not as a whole, but as a list of deficits"
"At the same time, there’s often a striking minimization of what the parent did provide"
I think anyone who deals with or has dealt with estrangement clearly knows these things. They are not new to us. If the alienated/estranged child did not feel this way and had a more holistic, charitable view of the parent, well, they would not be estranged.
Because you mentioned the concert you attended: last night I was at Toronto Symphony and had a wonderful time listening to Bruch and Beethoven. And all through the concert I kept thinking whether my estranged 20 years old ever thinks about how I opened their mind and heart towards music and arts. I am making a living with math and science. I exposed my kid to the beauty of music because I wanted them to be "human" in the most complete way possible. I don't think I had to. I was supposed to provide food, shelter and love, ok. Isn't music something extra I provided? It does not matter because I was not asked to provide it? I had some very mixed feelings last night remembering the many concerts we went to together.
Yes, me too. my daughter now is playing in the Flagstaff and Sedona Symphonies… and who do you think sacrifice 15 years of driving her to her concerts, festivals, practices, lessons, performances, never missed one concert of hers, etc. etc. me and her dad…?? Sadly, No gratitude here as well…it blows my mind - the level of entitlement this generation has.
I remember as if it were yesterday my son saying about the woman who is now appears to be holding him hostage: "Mom. We want all the same things. I think we're soulmates."
Little by little we've been isolated from him and our grandchildren. I understand that you can't diagnose when you're not a professional and not even a professional can w/o seeing the person (how wrong the therapists who buy adult children's stories without question), but she ticks all the boxes. Soulmates. Talk about love bombing.
Thank you, Josh. I will be listening in after I get off work or will listen to the replay. After all that has been going on recently, I look forward to this given that a simple "Thank you" was not mentioned, when it was the least thing that should have been said by my adult daughter.
Wow,wow,wow. Thank you for putting into perspective, in a most clarifying way, a stunning description of what people just don’t talk about, and likely haven’t even considered. I can not even begin to express my gratitude for this essay ❤️
Yes, each time I hear an adult say they were kept warm, were well fed, always had clean clothes that fit, summer camp, birthday parties, soccer club and an education but they "never felt loved," I feel nothing but disgust. The fact that they can say such a thing in all seriousness... there's no fixing that. That is an unreasonable human being at the core.
A generation of Entitlement and Brainwashing🙁
I dunno, if today’s young adults hold grievances for what they didn’t get, and deal with that by being ungrateful, they have no idea what “doing without” means.
As I’ve commented before, we boomers grew up with stories of the war and the depression. We had nothing to complain about when we only got gifts on our birthdays and Christmas. We knew it was a whole lot more than what mom and dad had as kids. But my millennial son was privileged with things I couldn’t imagine my parents ever giving me. I have told him this when I used to point out that I didn’t appreciate his ingratitude. It never seemed to stick. In today’s vernacular, my “boundary” was “Don’t take our generosity for granted”. I tried for over 10 years to teach him something I assumed most decent people just learned themselves. But No, I was told I have an exaggerated sense of needing to be appreciated. Turn the problem around and blame me. No sense of self-reflection?
As a baby boomer, I can’t imagine ever estranging myself from my very imperfect parents. From a mother who suffered from depression and a father who held us together. Like other boomers, my parents lived through the depression and WW2. They also had parents who lived through life’s struggles. When I was in my late 40s, I gave my father a letter for Father’s Day thanking him for all he’d done during times of hardship. My mother had died young. My father cried after reading my letter. I’ll be forever grateful to my less than perfect parents. I think part of radical acceptance is understanding I won’t get the same from my estranged adult child.
Thank you for this brilliant analysis of these issues at a personal and societal level. This helps!
This is a great article, Dr. Coleman. Sadly, a sense of what is right, compassion for others, empathy, and understanding, are void, it seems in this generation. The inability to accept someone for for who they are and forgive are all but non existent. GenZ is the generation of entitlement. I believe the only way back to a loving civilization is for US ALL to open our hearts to our creator, our God. He is love. He is compassion. He created us to forgive others. May sound simplistic - but I truly believe GOD is our only answer… BTW - I gave my daughter the gift of music… which is her passion and love : now, a violinist — Yet, It seems like she doesn’t think of what I sacrificed for her (incl: horses, tennis, dance, etc…) sadly, she is not grateful - as I am for what my parents gave me ( albeit many shortcomings) but I am still, grateful🙏🏽 for how they provided for my sisters and me 💕
Dr. Coleman, for whom I have respect, states several things in this piece that are central to estrangement behavior:
"In estrangement, I often see adult children assign disproportionate weight to what they didn’t receive"
"It’s as if the relationship is being evaluated not as a whole, but as a list of deficits"
"At the same time, there’s often a striking minimization of what the parent did provide"
I think anyone who deals with or has dealt with estrangement clearly knows these things. They are not new to us. If the alienated/estranged child did not feel this way and had a more holistic, charitable view of the parent, well, they would not be estranged.
Because you mentioned the concert you attended: last night I was at Toronto Symphony and had a wonderful time listening to Bruch and Beethoven. And all through the concert I kept thinking whether my estranged 20 years old ever thinks about how I opened their mind and heart towards music and arts. I am making a living with math and science. I exposed my kid to the beauty of music because I wanted them to be "human" in the most complete way possible. I don't think I had to. I was supposed to provide food, shelter and love, ok. Isn't music something extra I provided? It does not matter because I was not asked to provide it? I had some very mixed feelings last night remembering the many concerts we went to together.
Yes, me too. my daughter now is playing in the Flagstaff and Sedona Symphonies… and who do you think sacrifice 15 years of driving her to her concerts, festivals, practices, lessons, performances, never missed one concert of hers, etc. etc. me and her dad…?? Sadly, No gratitude here as well…it blows my mind - the level of entitlement this generation has.
I remember as if it were yesterday my son saying about the woman who is now appears to be holding him hostage: "Mom. We want all the same things. I think we're soulmates."
Little by little we've been isolated from him and our grandchildren. I understand that you can't diagnose when you're not a professional and not even a professional can w/o seeing the person (how wrong the therapists who buy adult children's stories without question), but she ticks all the boxes. Soulmates. Talk about love bombing.
all the boxes of a covert narcissist
This is all just so very, very ... sad.
Thank you, Josh. I will be listening in after I get off work or will listen to the replay. After all that has been going on recently, I look forward to this given that a simple "Thank you" was not mentioned, when it was the least thing that should have been said by my adult daughter.