The notion of radically accepting an estrangement is a difficult one to grasp. It doesn’t mean approval, agreement, or resignation. Instead, it’s the practice of fully acknowledging reality as it is, rather than how we wish it to be.
As psychologist Marsha Linehan writes, “The pathway out of hell is through misery. The more we fight our misery, the more we stay in hell.
So how?
1. Name the Reality
Identify the situation that is causing pain.
Say to yourself: “This is what’s happening right now.”
Avoid adding judgments like “It shouldn’t be this way” or “This isn’t fair.”
2. Acknowledge What’s Beyond Your Control
Notice the limits of your influence. If you’ve already made amends, taken responsibility, accepted their boundaries then there’s nothing else you can or should do right now.
Remind yourself that struggling against what cannot be changed only intensifies the pain.
Acceptance is not the same as approval—it’s about letting go of the fight against reality.
3. Allow the Feelings
Accept the emotions that come with the reality, even when they’re painful.
Tell yourself: “This hurts, and I can learn to tolerate the hurt.”
Avoid pushing feelings away or pretending they don’t exist.
PAIN+STRUGGLE=SUFFERING
4. Stop Telling Yourself That It Isn’t Fair
Replace “Why me?” or “It’s not fair” with “It is what it is.”
Remind yourself: life involves suffering, and painful experiences are part of the human condition.
Photo by Sunguk Kim on Unsplash
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Acknowledge that accepting reality is hard.
Be gentle with yourself in moments of pain.
Say to yourself: “I am doing the best I can right now.”
6. Focus on the Next Step
Once you’ve accepted the reality, ask: “What’s the most skillful thing I can do now?”
Radical acceptance clears the mental space for constructive choices, even small ones.
7. Return Again and Again
Radical acceptance isn’t one-and-done. It’s a practice you’ll need to revisit whenever resistance resurfaces. Sometimes every hour. Some days every minute.
Each time you notice yourself fighting reality, gently return to acceptance.
It takes practice but with time you can gain more resilience and immunity to what feels unbearable right now.
Excellent writing about the incredibly challenging experience of estrangement, with some helpful direction on how to move forward. Thanks as always Josh, for writing and for posting!
Thank you. As I continue on the journey of full- and (now it seems) partial-estrangement with our son, I’ve been surprised to find that accepting the need for grief is strangely empowering. I’m not fighting with reality. I remember the Beatitudes, that I learned in Catholic school, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” I read that this line especially applied to those who grieve an injustice. There are so many things to grieve when a grown child chooses to shun you.