I’ve often wondered if this could be happening with my daughters’ estrangement from me (and family members). Neither of them wishes to try family counseling and continue to claim that I am a narcissist, manipulative, and not honoring their boundaries. One of my daughters’ perspectives of my past actions is the transference of her actions towards me and many others. She recently blew up about my positive comments on her sister’s FB page, claiming that I don’t give her “media love” and that she will never be “good enough” for me (as compared to her sister) This was beyond upsetting, but I chose not to respond as she asked for more distance. My other daughter seems to think I am only interested in reconciliation to “get to her children”. I communicate about them sparingly, so as not to violate her boundaries. As a single mother, I made many mistakes and regret my lack of patience during those difficult and stressful years. I do worry that someone is putting thoughts in their heads and pushing the endless NC agenda. I pray for all families navigating estrangement.
As an individual who has experienced estrangement over three successive generations and counting, I extend my heartfelt sympathies to all readers here who are suffering. I appreciate this article, as I appreciate so much of Dr. Coleman's work, as he helps me to makes sense of my experience and find some measure of peace. Indeed, I believe that my therapist (who knew both of my parents as patients) encouraged me to limit contact with my parents; I did attempt (unproductively) to pathologize my parents; my father was (and, to a certain extent, my mother was) unwilling to participate in and/or respond positively to therapy; and, my ongoing efforts at therapy and reconciliation have not helped to heal the rift between me and a member of the younger generation (my late sister's child) who, for reasons she has not explained and that I can only guess at, clearly doesn't want contact with me or my children (yet somehow does seem open to contact with my husband.) Estrangement has resulted in collateral damage through generations of my extended family and among our family's wider community of friends and neighbors. Having experienced and witnessed it first hand, I believe that estrangement is the worst possible outcome for all concerned, even though it is sometimes advisable (as in the case of my mother who was serially abused by her father...and by my father, for that matter.) Still, those who enter into estrangement should not do so lightly or ill-advisedly! The consequences are far reaching and lasting. Finally, on a personal note, I would add that for me, meditating on "compassion" and "acceptance" has helped me to find some measure of peace. I still bear wounds, and will likely carry feelings of sadness and pain to my grave, but for what it's worth, I am better able to manage my pain and sadness by continuing to reflect on compassion and acceptance. Hope others are also able to find peace on this difficult path.
Speaking as a retired therapist, sadly, I have been wondering this same thing as my family and I contend with the baffling and painful experience of our daughter's apparent estrangement from us. Being in the business for so many years, I look back and see how easy it would be to "over validate" folks without knowing many if any details about the other side of the narrative. I believe you are onto something and I sincerely hope this potential harm is something clinicians are being alerted to, especially those who are new to the field and have yet to gain the seasoning the comes with years of learning - from successes and failures.
I'm glad it helps though sorry that you need it
I’ve often wondered if this could be happening with my daughters’ estrangement from me (and family members). Neither of them wishes to try family counseling and continue to claim that I am a narcissist, manipulative, and not honoring their boundaries. One of my daughters’ perspectives of my past actions is the transference of her actions towards me and many others. She recently blew up about my positive comments on her sister’s FB page, claiming that I don’t give her “media love” and that she will never be “good enough” for me (as compared to her sister) This was beyond upsetting, but I chose not to respond as she asked for more distance. My other daughter seems to think I am only interested in reconciliation to “get to her children”. I communicate about them sparingly, so as not to violate her boundaries. As a single mother, I made many mistakes and regret my lack of patience during those difficult and stressful years. I do worry that someone is putting thoughts in their heads and pushing the endless NC agenda. I pray for all families navigating estrangement.
Thanks Mikey! I appreciate it.
As an individual who has experienced estrangement over three successive generations and counting, I extend my heartfelt sympathies to all readers here who are suffering. I appreciate this article, as I appreciate so much of Dr. Coleman's work, as he helps me to makes sense of my experience and find some measure of peace. Indeed, I believe that my therapist (who knew both of my parents as patients) encouraged me to limit contact with my parents; I did attempt (unproductively) to pathologize my parents; my father was (and, to a certain extent, my mother was) unwilling to participate in and/or respond positively to therapy; and, my ongoing efforts at therapy and reconciliation have not helped to heal the rift between me and a member of the younger generation (my late sister's child) who, for reasons she has not explained and that I can only guess at, clearly doesn't want contact with me or my children (yet somehow does seem open to contact with my husband.) Estrangement has resulted in collateral damage through generations of my extended family and among our family's wider community of friends and neighbors. Having experienced and witnessed it first hand, I believe that estrangement is the worst possible outcome for all concerned, even though it is sometimes advisable (as in the case of my mother who was serially abused by her father...and by my father, for that matter.) Still, those who enter into estrangement should not do so lightly or ill-advisedly! The consequences are far reaching and lasting. Finally, on a personal note, I would add that for me, meditating on "compassion" and "acceptance" has helped me to find some measure of peace. I still bear wounds, and will likely carry feelings of sadness and pain to my grave, but for what it's worth, I am better able to manage my pain and sadness by continuing to reflect on compassion and acceptance. Hope others are also able to find peace on this difficult path.
Speaking as a retired therapist, sadly, I have been wondering this same thing as my family and I contend with the baffling and painful experience of our daughter's apparent estrangement from us. Being in the business for so many years, I look back and see how easy it would be to "over validate" folks without knowing many if any details about the other side of the narrative. I believe you are onto something and I sincerely hope this potential harm is something clinicians are being alerted to, especially those who are new to the field and have yet to gain the seasoning the comes with years of learning - from successes and failures.
Thanks so much!
Bravo! One of your bedt columns, Dr Coleman.
BEST-- my typing skill is as good as apparently my parenting skill was.
Excellent piece