Yes. I believe this was, and is, at play with my son. He had years of just not being able to get his life together. Many times we 'rescued' him and helped him get back on his feet. I believe these dynamics made him vulnerable to reaching for something else that would take care of him when he just didn't seem to be able to get it together on his own, he didn't see a place for himself in the male world. It made him vulnerable to trans ideology and the promise of a group that wouldn't ask much of him and where the political belief is in socialism and in being 'taken care of' by the state. I also fault our profession Joshua. He had been in therapy for years with very well trained folks only to fall prey to a newly licensed 27 year old therapist (younger than he was at the time) who in a few online sessions believed his story and granted him a letter for transitioning and also encouraged him to reject us. As a retired analytically trained therapist myself you can imagine my horror and heartbreak. We haven't spoken in over 3 years. I know he isn't doing well.
You've been on all sides of this, Gretchen, but I'm sure that understanding it doesn't take the pain out. And thanks to Freud and friends, the parents - the ones who were watching closely as it all developed - have no credibility because they are presumed to be the cause.
Thinking we are the cause allows us to imagine we can do anything about it. This is the problem with sending amends letters addressing a cause one doesn’t understand. I truly believe that if one sends an amends letter and it breaks the spell then that child was ready to come back anyway. Knowing there is nothing I can do, or say to be able to see my child again while he is still alive, is excruciating. I miss him deeply.
Wow. I think you're right, Gretchen. Because I believe there is no greater pain than thinking you could fix this if only you'd said the right words. More often than not, it seems like the amends letter is just another chance to feel like a failure.
This takes needing emotional and physical space to a new level. If only this was the case. When hostile dependency comes into play, it is emotional dependency to the next level. You cannot and likely will not be able to compete with the spouse, especially if an unhealthy dependence is shifted from me the mother to the wife. All of the restrictive boundaries that my son has established were not put in place to take physical and emotional space. After four years, I can see they were put in place to hide behind rather than trying to heal. It’s so desperately sad But so much the truth. I don’t believe boundaries were ever meant to give anybody the opportunity to hide behind. You can be respectful of others boundaries while still being willing to make yourself vulnerable to heal along with that other person if the desire exists. The last time I spoke with my son not that long ago tried to have an open dialogue. He basically told me he’s comfortable with the way things are, he is in control, and that he thinks since I’ve been respecting his boundaries for the last three years that he actually feels our relationship has gotten better. Gotten better? Just because I’m following the rules not because he’s willing to soften those boundaries. I wanted to ask him what he was afraid of but, I really did not want to be provocative and so it goes…..
Dr. Coleman, do you know what would be really easy and really helpful for those wrestling with this alienation? If, instead of looking to assign blame, if therapists and everyone else would simply recognize that the level and duration of anger felt by the strangers is not normal. Is by itself a diagnostic trait. I personally know victims (plural!) of attempted murder who got over it sooner than these kids who "felt unloved."
The term “ dependency “ seems like it’s pathologizing what could be a healthy and strong parental bond and perhaps even shaming that. The dynamic you describe makes good sense, but the term isn’t a good fit for me.
Yes. I believe this was, and is, at play with my son. He had years of just not being able to get his life together. Many times we 'rescued' him and helped him get back on his feet. I believe these dynamics made him vulnerable to reaching for something else that would take care of him when he just didn't seem to be able to get it together on his own, he didn't see a place for himself in the male world. It made him vulnerable to trans ideology and the promise of a group that wouldn't ask much of him and where the political belief is in socialism and in being 'taken care of' by the state. I also fault our profession Joshua. He had been in therapy for years with very well trained folks only to fall prey to a newly licensed 27 year old therapist (younger than he was at the time) who in a few online sessions believed his story and granted him a letter for transitioning and also encouraged him to reject us. As a retired analytically trained therapist myself you can imagine my horror and heartbreak. We haven't spoken in over 3 years. I know he isn't doing well.
You've been on all sides of this, Gretchen, but I'm sure that understanding it doesn't take the pain out. And thanks to Freud and friends, the parents - the ones who were watching closely as it all developed - have no credibility because they are presumed to be the cause.
Thinking we are the cause allows us to imagine we can do anything about it. This is the problem with sending amends letters addressing a cause one doesn’t understand. I truly believe that if one sends an amends letter and it breaks the spell then that child was ready to come back anyway. Knowing there is nothing I can do, or say to be able to see my child again while he is still alive, is excruciating. I miss him deeply.
Wow. I think you're right, Gretchen. Because I believe there is no greater pain than thinking you could fix this if only you'd said the right words. More often than not, it seems like the amends letter is just another chance to feel like a failure.
This feels spot on. Thank you for identifying and explaining it. I look forward to more on this topic.
This takes needing emotional and physical space to a new level. If only this was the case. When hostile dependency comes into play, it is emotional dependency to the next level. You cannot and likely will not be able to compete with the spouse, especially if an unhealthy dependence is shifted from me the mother to the wife. All of the restrictive boundaries that my son has established were not put in place to take physical and emotional space. After four years, I can see they were put in place to hide behind rather than trying to heal. It’s so desperately sad But so much the truth. I don’t believe boundaries were ever meant to give anybody the opportunity to hide behind. You can be respectful of others boundaries while still being willing to make yourself vulnerable to heal along with that other person if the desire exists. The last time I spoke with my son not that long ago tried to have an open dialogue. He basically told me he’s comfortable with the way things are, he is in control, and that he thinks since I’ve been respecting his boundaries for the last three years that he actually feels our relationship has gotten better. Gotten better? Just because I’m following the rules not because he’s willing to soften those boundaries. I wanted to ask him what he was afraid of but, I really did not want to be provocative and so it goes…..
My adult child referred to themselves as a "mama's boy", that's how I clued into the brainwashing
Dr. Coleman, do you know what would be really easy and really helpful for those wrestling with this alienation? If, instead of looking to assign blame, if therapists and everyone else would simply recognize that the level and duration of anger felt by the strangers is not normal. Is by itself a diagnostic trait. I personally know victims (plural!) of attempted murder who got over it sooner than these kids who "felt unloved."
Estrangers
The term “ dependency “ seems like it’s pathologizing what could be a healthy and strong parental bond and perhaps even shaming that. The dynamic you describe makes good sense, but the term isn’t a good fit for me.
https://substack.com/home/post/p-168113251