Men, Masculinity, and Estrangement

Why Sons May Be More at Risk

In my recent article for The Atlantic I talk about the harm done in assuming that boys somehow need less conversation, care, and affection than girls. I highlight that our current conception of masculinity should be thought of as a fairly rigid set of guiding principles of what is permissible to think, feel, and act upon.

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While we don’t yet have robust data on gender differences in family cutoffs related to marriage, clinical observation suggests that men may be particularly vulnerable to estrangement when there’s conflict between their parents and their spouse or romantic partner.

In my practice, I frequently see adult sons—once close to their parents—grow distant or hostile after tensions arise between their parents and their wife. Sometimes it’s triggered by parental criticism of the spouse. But often, it stems from more subtle dynamics. For example, when a troubled daughter-in-law feels emotionally threatened by her husband's closeness to his parents or interprets their involvement as a lack of boundaries. In those situations, the son can find himself caught in a loyalty bind. In more extreme cases, that bind becomes an ultimatum: Choose them or me.

Men may be especially susceptible to this kind of rupture because of how shame is weaponized around their masculinity. A wife might say, “I’m your family now. Your parents walk all over you and you never speak up. You’re such a momma’s boy.”

While it’s entirely reasonable for a partner to want clearer limits with critical or over-involved in-laws, men who have been socialized to fear emotional dependence or weakness may respond with a kind of performative masculinity—a forceful demonstration that they are strong, loyal, and in charge. For some, estrangement becomes the ultimate performance of manhood: I choose you. I reject them.

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Another reason men may be at higher risk is that, for many, their wife is their closest—sometimes only—confidante. If she is unhappy, resisting her viewpoint may come at too steep an emotional cost. He may fear not just conflict, but emotional isolation.

Finally, many men arrive in marriage with limited practice identifying, expressing, or advocating for their emotional needs. This lack of emotional fluency can prevent them from articulating not only their love for their spouse, but their desire to stay connected to their family of origin. They may struggle to defend a parent without sounding disloyal or to explain why a continued relationship matters to them.

The result is a quiet, often invisible tragedy. Parents feel abandoned. Sons are caught between roles they don’t know how to reconcile—and without the emotional language to name what’s been lost.

For a deeper look at the forces behind family cutoffs—and what can be done to repair them—see my book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.

Additional recommended reading: BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. By Ruth Whippman

Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to do about It: by Richard Reeves

The End of Men: And the Rise of Women: by Hanna Rosin

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