More About Dark Triad Traits and the Puzzle of Estrangement
Why Some Cutoffs Are About Control, Not Healing
Readers were fascinated by this newer line of research so I wanted to write a bit more about it. I’ll also be doing a webinar this Friday on the topic at 8AM Pacific for paid subscribers and will send out the Zoom link tomorrow.
Why Some Estrangements Leave No Room for Repair
For most parents, estrangement is defined as absence: the absence of contact, the absence of grandchildren, the absence of a once-familiar bond. But in some cases, what hurts most is not only the silence, but the way it is carried out—icy, absolute, and without room for complexity.
Not all estrangements look this way. Some are hesitant, conflicted, or ambivalent. But others feel more like a freeze-out: swift, unforgiving, and morally certain. These patterns often overlap with a set of personality traits psychologists call the Dark Triad.
More Than Conflict: The Dark Triad Lens
To review, the Dark Triad describes three interrelated personality styles:
Narcissism: entitlement, grandiosity, and sensitivity to perceived slights.
Machiavellianism: strategic manipulation, deception, and control.
Psychopathy: emotional detachment, impulsivity, and lack of remorse.
In ordinary life, these traits can show up in subtle ways—a friend who dominates every conversation, a colleague who cuts corners for advantage. But when they dominate family life, they often create estrangements that feel less like boundaries and more like punishments.
How These Traits Distort Estrangement
Parents often describe being caught in dynamics like these:
The impossible standard: No apology is ever good enough; every attempt at reconciliation becomes new evidence of guilt.
The narrative lock: Only one version of history is allowed, and any disagreement is treated as further injury.
The cold cutoff: Instead of sadness or ambivalence, parents encounter only contempt, dismissal, or silence.
The partner’s echo: A romantic partner amplifies grievances, reframes family quirks as “toxic,” and shuts down dialogue.
When estrangement is shaped by these traits, it’s not simply a coping strategy. It’s a relational style—one that prizes control, image, and moral superiority over repair.
Why Forgiveness Rarely Arrives
Research shows that people high in Dark Triad traits are often less willing to forgive, even when offered genuine remorse. Entitlement plays a central role: if reconciliation requires the other person to admit fault without offering the same in return, forgiveness becomes irrelevant.
That helps explain why many parents describe feeling as if they are on trial in a courtroom where no defense is allowed, no verdict is possible, and the sentence has already been carried out.
The Psychological Costs for Parents
When estrangement is driven by these dynamics, the harm doesn’t end at cutoff. Parents often struggle with:
Chronic self-doubt: If every gesture is reframed as manipulative, it’s easy to start doubting your own intentions.
Isolation: Without dialogue, parents lose the chance to defend themselves or clarify misunderstandings.
Perpetual grief: Unlike a death, where mourning has an endpoint, these estrangements leave parents suspended in uncertainty.
Shame: Many parents internalize the role of villain, even when the accusations don’t square with reality.
The result is a lingering psychological toll—grief mixed with confusion, love entwined with anger.
Signs That Dark Triad Traits May Be Involved
While every estrangement is unique, certain markers suggest that Dark Triad dynamics could be shaping the cutoff:
Dialogue is impossible; any outreach is met with contempt or indifference.
The grievances grow more extreme over time, not less.
A romantic partner appears to script or reinforce the estrangement.
Apologies, no matter how sincere, are mocked, ignored, or treated as proof of guilt.
These signs don’t prove pathology, but they do suggest that reconciliation may be blocked not by lack of parental effort, but by traits that resist empathy, dialogue, or repair.
What Parents Can Do
If you find yourself in this terrain, a few principles can help:
Don’t take all of it on. Some estrangements reflect personality dynamics you did not create and cannot control.
Protect your dignity. Stay clear of degrading conditions for contact, even if that means holding the line at distance.
Find support. Parent groups, therapy, or community spaces can counteract the isolating effect of being cast as “the problem.”
Leave the door open. While Dark Triad traits resist repair, circumstances change. Sometimes age, life events, or new relationships shift the equation.
Final Thoughts
Despite popular media portrayals, not all estrangements reflect trauma or neglect. Some are fueled by personality traits that thrive on control, moral superiority, and the silencing of dissent. For parents, recognizing this doesn’t erase the grief—but it can ease the corrosive guilt of believing the story is entirely your fault.
When estrangement becomes a weapon rather than a wound, the most powerful act you can take is to live with dignity, maintain boundaries, and stay open to reconciliation should a window of genuine repair ever appear.
If you need more help in this area, join us for my webinar Dark Triads: Understanding Their Role in Estrangement. Friday, Aug 22, 8-9AM PT. Zoom invites will be sent out tomorrow to paid subscribers.
This describes my situation to a "T" 😢💔🙏
Is it fair to say that underlying mental health diagnoses, such as extreme anxiety disorders, severe obsessive-compulsive disorders, or borderline personality disorders, will exacerbate the Dark Triad traits, thus making reconciliation impossible without the affected person engaging in comprehensive therapy with a qualified medical professional?