Should I Cut My Estranged Child Out of My Will?
A final act should be the right one
I work with some of the most heartbroken people in the world: parents whose adult children want nothing to do with them. Parents who have been denied attending their children’s graduations, weddings, or the birth of their grandchildren. Grandparents who were close and involved with their grandchildren until they were suddenly cut out of their lives for conflicts with their adult children or their spouses. I also work with parents who still have contact with the adult child but are treated in such a chronically abusive way that the parent is left feeling hurt, bewildered, and enraged.
Consider one father who is thinking of cutting his 28-year-old son out of his will. “My adult son cut off contact with my wife and me three years ago after we said something to his wife that she found offensive,” he wrote to me. “We have since apologized many times but they say we don’t mean it. To make matters worse, he will no longer let us see our three grandchildren who we were very close to, especially my wife. This is our only child who we loved very much, sent him to expensive schools, took him on great vacations. And now we’re treated like we don’t exist.”
It is not surprising so many estranged parents and grandparents in my practice want to cut their children out of their wills. Doing so feels like the only way to demonstrate how hurt and betrayed they feel. It expresses a desire to have the child experience some of what they believe the child visited on them, despite the years of love or dedication by the parent.
And yet, I believe that cutting a child out of a will is wrong. The will is the last parental act. If your parents have passed you probably know that parents continue to exert influence from the grave. Good memories and bad memories often affect how we continue to parent, the kinds of romantic partners that we choose, and who we choose as friends.
As parents, I believe we’re obligated to take the high road even if our children take the low one. Part of taking the high road is having your last act on earth be one that will be good for them, even if they weren’t able to behave in a way that you deserved or desired.
Second, just because you believe that your child’s rejection or anger is undeserved doesn’t mean that you’re right. We all have our blind spots as parents and sometimes the way our family members treat us — children or otherwise — is more in reaction to our behavior than their creating it from nothing. We may be far more critical, rejecting, and hurtful than we are able to face. We may be too disrespectful of their boundaries around our grandchildren, too insensitive toward their spouses, and too opinionated about their sexualities or their values.
Third, some adult children behave badly because they have a subtle or overt form of mental illness. While we might wish they got better help (or any help), it’s not their fault they carry those burdens. And if their mistreatment is due to their mental illness, you’re punishing them for something largely out of their control.
Their mental illness may mean that you set up your trust so their inheritance is managed by a reputable third party. But leaving them out of an inheritance they would have received if they were healthier will feel like one more injustice to someone who has already had to carry too heavy a burden in their lives.
Fourth, in my survey of 1,632 estranged parents, it was not unusual for the estrangement to occur after the child married. Sometimes it occurs because the parent is critical of the son- or daughter-in-law or disrespectful of their boundaries. It can also result from the child’s troubled spouse saying “choose them or me; you can’t have both.”
Fifth, if you’re divorced, your ex may have successfully poisoned your child against you. While that is both painful and unjust, children of any age are vulnerable to those kinds of negative influences. As with a persuasive or manipulative spouse, if they were strong enough to resist it, they would have.
I understand how this advice might seem like a giant excuse or even reward for a child’s hurtful and destructive behavior. I’m not giving them a pass. I’m appalled at how some adult children treat their parents or parents-in-law and the model they show to their own children. I’m also surprised by how cavalier many are when it comes to cutting out a once-involved grandparent despite their child’s obvious attachment to the grandparent.
But in the same way that parents do the best they can when raising their children, those grown children do the best they can in relating to the parent or treating them respectfully.
Money has more meanings than almost any material object. It can be used to express love, commitment, value, protection, and security. It can be used to control, punish, manipulate, and express disappointment. Your will is your final parental act. Make sure that you’ve carefully considered your last message, because it will live on long after you’re gone.
To learn more, read Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict or attend my weekly Tuesday evening webinars for estranged parents and grandparents. Learn more at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
Josh, thanks so much for this. I believe we also had a brief discussion about this issue. I think that, instead of a blanket statement of not being in support of cutting our children out of our will, I think it really depends on the circumstances. In my case, it has been an extreme, irrational, and of course, devastating 4 years. Mainly, not being about to communicate or see my 2 grandchildren, who are growing fast. My husband and I decided to take care of our grandchildren equally in our Will & Trust, but not our daughter. We feel that we want to treat all the grandchildren equally. I realize a legacy and how we want to be remembered are issues, however, it is ultimately our decision who we want to give our hard-earned monies to when we die. What my daughter has done, and is continuing to do, is the legacy she created.
This article offers valuable advice to parents who are deeply hurt and wounded. In such a state of mind, people often react in ways they might not if they weren’t experiencing such intense pain. Right? How many times do individuals say or do things in moments of hurt that they later regret? After we are gone there is no opportunity to undo the hurt that we, as parents, may cause from not letting what we otherwise would graciously flow from us to our children, which in turn, would hurt them. Thanks Dr C