The Half-Self

Reflections on a vulnerability to becoming estranged

Photo by Mario Gogh on Unsplash

I've been contemplating the notion that some estrangements result from an adult child having an undefined or poorly defined sense of self. While this could result from something like being on the autism spectrum, it might also stem from a disposition so anxious or conflict avoidant that the person doesn’t know how to feel like a separate individual in the presence of others.

In some cases, this might be a son who was overly dependent on his parents. He may have relied on them to such an extent that, once he reached adulthood, didn’t know how to separate without attaching himself to a partner whom he could transfer his dependence onto.

Or, because of his anxiety, he may have felt incapable of asserting his needs or boundaries in the context of closeness, which led him to believe that distance was the only way to find autonomy.

A person like this would be especially vulnerable to a therapist’s interpretation that his struggles stem from childhood trauma or deprivations, regardless of the love and care provided by the family. As an adult, he might be easily influenced by a controlling or critical romantic partner—or drawn to someone with similar emotional vulnerabilities.

Together, they may form a version of a complete self, one that feels safe and validating but impermeable to input from family or former friends. They become an inseparable unit, each reinforcing the other’s narrative and protecting it from outside challenges.

In other instances, this might be a daughter who, due to her high sensitivity or conflict-avoidant nature, felt overwhelmed by the emotional demands of closeness with her parents. She may have kept her distance, not out of rejection but out of a deep sense of confusion knowing how to balance her conflicting feelings of dependence and independence.

Later in life, she might encounter a therapist who interprets her anxiety or identity struggles as evidence of neglect or abuse, even when none was present. Once estranged, she too may form a bond with a romantic partner that feels like a lifeline. Together they construct a world that offers protection and certainty—but only by excluding those who once knew her in other, more complex ways. In that world, her partner becomes her mirror, her affirmation, her justification—and the outside world becomes too threatening or disruptive to let in.

To learn more, order my book Rules of Estrangement

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