Wow! I feel like you hit the nail on the head! My daughter saw a therapist who did exactly this. I allay felt my daughter picked her husband because she could be the boss. My daughter said she had a horrible upbringing that she was left alone all the time. Now they have two children and don’t associate with anyone outside the four of them.
You have shown me a completely different understanding which makes so much sense. Now what?
We did so much for him growing up but I don’t think he developed a strong sense of self. I see it now. He was easily led by his wife and her family after they married. Now his wife directs his life and there is no room for our family in it. Very sad and very disappointing.
I believe this describes our daughter too. The description helps, but no amount of love or efforts have brought about reunification. The addition of the spouse and therapist I believe has caused more distance. My husband and I had to come to- as you call it- radical acceptance- and give some distance/no contact. This is extremely difficult when you worry about your adult child and the grandchildren involved now in their family.
You are definately on the right track( sorry pressed wrong button,) meant to say ADHD and Autism / ASD quite often noticable if you are conscious / observant in family members including parents, children and other blood relatives of the estranged adult child. We were thrown away 10 yrs ago but only had dna test revealing ADHD in ourselves a few yrs ago and on hindsight of 48 yrs marriage in ourselves and our families traits etc past and present situations it seems to me there are some strong indicators of some inherited neurological issues. It has taken us 10 yrs and many tears to see different personality types level of functioning and a realization estrangement may not all be about chosen behaviors/ attitudes. In our case we definately also, eventually, after feeling we had to walk on eggshells when they visited for the first 5 yrs of their marriage, we saw the influence of a spouse who had his own personality issues and family damage that has effected significantly some of our family stuff and decisions made I am sure!
Some of the emotional disconnect has roots in inherited brain wiring I feel sure. Also from our family and our own personalities here I can see the super sensitivity issue and difficulty bouncing back, changing direction etc inspite of the high intellectual intelligence. These characteristics seem definately to be genetic based. It seems to me also that these brain issues like ADHD/ Autism etc definately make us and our children very vulnerable to manipulation by therapists, internet, spouses, friends, sometimes ego based, self centered communities that our adult children choose to live in so to keep as far away from any of their extended family and us to ensure their choice and their maintenence of estrangement stays intact!
Pretty hard compete with that!
This broken family estrangement thing is not new, including back in 1970's hippys and cults etc and of course earlier in 1800's immigrations etc......so not necessarily a new phenomenon. I also think of my grandparents leaving their homes and families in the old country, usually for financial reasons, to come to this country leaving behind their entire family never to be seen or heard from again. My own parent grew up with no Aunties, Uncles, cousins, grandparents etc so guess this is not new I guess.
This does not make it hurt us less of course and grandchildren are the biggest losers in my opinion!
You are on the right track definately. Just too bad we did not ALL know / recognize this from the beginning of this now "broken" family nightmare. Certainly fits my family and the dozen families I know personally with same estrangement plus AdHD/ Ustism
The last paragraph in this article describes my daughter so accurately. She and I had a very close relationship until she began cohabitating with her new "spouse", her first lesbian relationship. We were totally accepting of her( new relationship), and slowly she began to critize anything we did. Her therapist also encouraged estrangement. I offered to have family therapy with her but have received no reponse. I feel as though she has been taken hostage!!
Same week she moved in with our daughter, the estrangement began. Are you seeing increased evidence between LGBTQ relationships and estrangement between women and moms?
I believe you just described my son and DIL. Thank you!! Super helpful. I’ve never quite heard it described just that way. Clarity is so powerful.
Wow! I feel like you hit the nail on the head! My daughter saw a therapist who did exactly this. I allay felt my daughter picked her husband because she could be the boss. My daughter said she had a horrible upbringing that she was left alone all the time. Now they have two children and don’t associate with anyone outside the four of them.
You have shown me a completely different understanding which makes so much sense. Now what?
This describes my son and DIL as well.
We did so much for him growing up but I don’t think he developed a strong sense of self. I see it now. He was easily led by his wife and her family after they married. Now his wife directs his life and there is no room for our family in it. Very sad and very disappointing.
Totally resonates! I see my reflection in this mirror.
I believe this describes our daughter too. The description helps, but no amount of love or efforts have brought about reunification. The addition of the spouse and therapist I believe has caused more distance. My husband and I had to come to- as you call it- radical acceptance- and give some distance/no contact. This is extremely difficult when you worry about your adult child and the grandchildren involved now in their family.
You are definately on the right track( sorry pressed wrong button,) meant to say ADHD and Autism / ASD quite often noticable if you are conscious / observant in family members including parents, children and other blood relatives of the estranged adult child. We were thrown away 10 yrs ago but only had dna test revealing ADHD in ourselves a few yrs ago and on hindsight of 48 yrs marriage in ourselves and our families traits etc past and present situations it seems to me there are some strong indicators of some inherited neurological issues. It has taken us 10 yrs and many tears to see different personality types level of functioning and a realization estrangement may not all be about chosen behaviors/ attitudes. In our case we definately also, eventually, after feeling we had to walk on eggshells when they visited for the first 5 yrs of their marriage, we saw the influence of a spouse who had his own personality issues and family damage that has effected significantly some of our family stuff and decisions made I am sure!
Some of the emotional disconnect has roots in inherited brain wiring I feel sure. Also from our family and our own personalities here I can see the super sensitivity issue and difficulty bouncing back, changing direction etc inspite of the high intellectual intelligence. These characteristics seem definately to be genetic based. It seems to me also that these brain issues like ADHD/ Autism etc definately make us and our children very vulnerable to manipulation by therapists, internet, spouses, friends, sometimes ego based, self centered communities that our adult children choose to live in so to keep as far away from any of their extended family and us to ensure their choice and their maintenence of estrangement stays intact!
Pretty hard compete with that!
This broken family estrangement thing is not new, including back in 1970's hippys and cults etc and of course earlier in 1800's immigrations etc......so not necessarily a new phenomenon. I also think of my grandparents leaving their homes and families in the old country, usually for financial reasons, to come to this country leaving behind their entire family never to be seen or heard from again. My own parent grew up with no Aunties, Uncles, cousins, grandparents etc so guess this is not new I guess.
This does not make it hurt us less of course and grandchildren are the biggest losers in my opinion!
Thank you, Dr. Coleman. This describes our situation with our only daughter and it is heartbreaking. It's felt like death by a thousand cuts.
You are on the right track definately. Just too bad we did not ALL know / recognize this from the beginning of this now "broken" family nightmare. Certainly fits my family and the dozen families I know personally with same estrangement plus AdHD/ Ustism
Bingo! My son!
Any advice on how to handle this now that we are not estranged? I see my son's mental health suffering, following his unstable cult of One
Thank you for explaining the identity confusion so well. I believe this is exactly what is going on with my adult child.
The last paragraph in this article describes my daughter so accurately. She and I had a very close relationship until she began cohabitating with her new "spouse", her first lesbian relationship. We were totally accepting of her( new relationship), and slowly she began to critize anything we did. Her therapist also encouraged estrangement. I offered to have family therapy with her but have received no reponse. I feel as though she has been taken hostage!!
Same week she moved in with our daughter, the estrangement began. Are you seeing increased evidence between LGBTQ relationships and estrangement between women and moms?