"When Should I Stop Trying to Contact My Estranged Adult Child?"

And why stopping may be better for your mental health

Photo by sue hughes on Unsplash

One of the most common questions I receive from parents in my practice is whether they should keep trying to reach out or just give up. In general, I think that parents should try to reach out to an adult child for a significant period of time with a letter of amends, empathy, and attempting to address their complaints before they stop trying. However, sometimes giving up is best for everyone. But when?

Here are some good reasons to stop:

- You are being threatened with restraining orders.

- Your adult child says that they need time apart but will be back in contact and it’s been less than a year since they made that request.

- Whenever you do reach out, they’re consistently hostile and threatening.

- All your letters or gifts to them or to your grandchildren are sent back “return to sender.”

While those conditions may seem obvious, many parents feel like they’re being neglectful or abandoning their child if they stop reaching out. This may be especially challenging for mothers who are often governed by the following convictions:

- Put yourself last when it concerns your child, even an adult child

- Give till it hurts.

- Worrying about your child is part of being a good mother.

The constant cultural transmission is that if you don't feel all of those things then you’re somehow behaving selfishly, irresponsibly, and unlovingly. That you’re being “unmotherly.”

This isn’t to say that fathers don’t suffer with estrangement because they do. They just don’t seem to suffer with the same amount of guilt since the role of fatherhood is less culturally prescribed than motherhood.

Yet, whether you’re an estranged mother or father, sometimes the most loving, parental action is to allow the distance that your child says they need. You don’t have to commit to it forever. But if things are so inflamed that you’re getting threatened with restraining orders or your gifts are being sent back, then they’re too inflamed for progress to be made by reaching out.

And even if those conditions aren’t met, but you’re being ignored year-after-year, then discontinuing to reach out is probably best. I typically recommend at least a year of doing nothing.

Here’s why discontinuing to try is not only better for your mental health, it’s sometimes better for a potential reconciliation:

- Your estranged adult child may feel like you’re respecting their wishes more.

- They may respect you more for not continuing to set yourself up to be rejected by them.

- It may invite more self-reflection on their part: “Hmm, my parent hasn’t reached out in seven months. Wonder what’s going on?”

- It may cause them to miss you. That old saying, “How can I miss you if you never go away?” is sometimes true in families.

- It gives the relationship time and space to allow things to become less inflamed.

It’s also what I call “parenting at a distance.” You’re still a parent, you’re just accepting or tolerating the limited options handed to you. The only options being handed to you.