My daughter didn’t talk to me for about 3 years. Then all of a sudden t she did. We stayed in touch (not close she lives on the other side of the country). We visited her twice. She was never willing to g to discuss why she cut me off. Then this year she wouldn’t come to her sisters for 2 days at Christmas because being near me stressed her out. Now I’m cut off again and have absolutely no idea what I did. I can’t go through this again. I don’t know what I did, and she will never explain. I have decided to not to even try to reach out. I’m ok with never seeing her again she has hurt me so much. Is that bad? I have a close and loving relationship with a 3 of my other adult children. She would need to approach me or apologize and that will never ever happen. Is this wrong?
What if Joshua you haven’t been succinctly told not to contact them and it’s been wrapped up in a statement that says “I don’t know how I could comprehend trusting you again” and your behaviour is not acceptable for you to have a healthy relationship with your grandchildren” - is that the same as being told no contact but just worded differently? I have sent gifts for birthdays etc (and a deep apology letter - the way you suggested with no reply) however she said thankyou out of the blue to other texts - I’m so very very
confused…grateful for some advice as to what to do next please- thankyou
"I think that parents should try to reach out to an adult child for a significant period of time with a letter of amends, empathy, and attempting to address their complaints before they stop trying. However, sometimes giving up is best for everyone."
These abusive parents are not trying to address the problem or make amends. They are reaching out and going "whhatttt? what's wroongnggg?" after you've told them a million times. Not that you'd have to: they already know what they've done wrong. But their victims tell them anyway, and they keep playing stupid, blubbery, whiney victims. "ME Me me I I I"
The missing missing reasons.
Harassing your offspring is not "worrying about them" or "giving til it hurts" or "putting them first". It's a *crime*. It's gross, weird, and repellent.
You had your chance and you refused to take it. Now live in a world where your grandchildren are happy and healthy without you, likely with a new grandparent figure your offspring chose for them.
Their lives are beautiful. Yours is ruined. You did it to yourself.
This comment is typical of influencers and therapists that have encourage the No Contact trend. That you are citing an article that has a total lack of emphaty towards parents doesn't give validation to what you are saying because that comment is putting all estranged parents in the same box and ignoring that every person and every case is different.
Sadly the No Contact trend has become a trend encouraged by influencers and therapists in individual therapy that are unable to see the other side of the story.
This comment is typical of abusers who blame the very people *they were tasked with raising*. Your offspring turned out badly according to you? You raised 'em!
Time to take responsibility for your own actions. No one can do it for you. You have to want it.
You are obviously a troll with the same talking points of the trend, showing black or white mentality and many cognitive distortions. It's obvious that you aren't interested in learning or sharing anything. You are showing that you have an assumption that all EP are abusers, and all EC are victims.
No one said all. Straw man arguments will not work here.
It only takes a few sentences to be able to tell whether someone has been cut off because they deserved it. It's the way you talk. It's the way you describe things. It's the way you frame them.
That is how people can tell that you are an abuser and a victim blamer.
I don't think you can generalize about all estranged parents any more than a parent can generalize about all estranged adult children. Please make sure your comments come from a place of kindness or compassion here.
I really appreciate this, Dr. Coleman. I’m dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law, who has isolated our son from us. After numerous conversations, letters, etc., I am realizing that just leaving them alone and giving him the space he needs is probably the only way. If you have any books or articles on how to deal with a narcissistic daughter-in-law, it would be much appreciated.
We were in your position. We stopped reaching out for a year as Dr Coleman suggests, then my husband reached out to our son and has been able to maintain a tentative relationship with him (coffee once a month). I have stepped back and tried to stay out of the picture as I am her target. It is all we can hope for right now, but I think our son may be slowly waking up to her behaviour.
Pleased for you that you have some contact. We are also hopeful that our son will wake up one day and realize the truth. He and his wife will be here next month for two family events. They are not staying with us and we have no idea if we will have any alone time or any conversations with him at all. I hope things keep improving for you.
Year and a half in of respecting their boundary. Thank you for mentioning that you're still a parent accepting or tolerating the only option handed to you. Just starting your book.
Thank you Dr. Coleman. My son ended contact nearly 4 years ago, and unfortunately, I reached out for his birthday that year. Then I reached out every six months for a couple years. (One of those was an amends letter written per your excellent books.) Then, about a year ago, family told me how angry he was anytime he heard from me, so I asked them to tell him that I wouldn't reach out anymore, but that I would always love him and always welcome contact from him. I didn't expect him to reach out, and he hasn't. But here's a benefit not mentioned among the many excellent reasons in the article: simply knowing I'm not putting myself out there anymore has done wonders for my mental health.
I greatly appreciate the post, Dr. Coleman. It is very relatable and appreciated to have some advice. I have not heard from my son in years or had a real response from him except when I threatened last year to come to his house directly. At that point, he agreed to have a phone call with me. He spent 20 minutes telling me what I did wrong as a parent. He told me I could email him back if I had a response. I think it’s time to give up. I agree it might not be forever and I will likely try as I do occasionally out of desperation and sadness. I will always have a door open, but my heart has to move on. I figured I live or I die over this. Because it is overwhelmingly sad. Thank you so much for this for this forum. It is amazing.
My daughter didn’t talk to me for about 3 years. Then all of a sudden t she did. We stayed in touch (not close she lives on the other side of the country). We visited her twice. She was never willing to g to discuss why she cut me off. Then this year she wouldn’t come to her sisters for 2 days at Christmas because being near me stressed her out. Now I’m cut off again and have absolutely no idea what I did. I can’t go through this again. I don’t know what I did, and she will never explain. I have decided to not to even try to reach out. I’m ok with never seeing her again she has hurt me so much. Is that bad? I have a close and loving relationship with a 3 of my other adult children. She would need to approach me or apologize and that will never ever happen. Is this wrong?
What if Joshua you haven’t been succinctly told not to contact them and it’s been wrapped up in a statement that says “I don’t know how I could comprehend trusting you again” and your behaviour is not acceptable for you to have a healthy relationship with your grandchildren” - is that the same as being told no contact but just worded differently? I have sent gifts for birthdays etc (and a deep apology letter - the way you suggested with no reply) however she said thankyou out of the blue to other texts - I’m so very very
confused…grateful for some advice as to what to do next please- thankyou
The question is, why would you keep trying?
"I think that parents should try to reach out to an adult child for a significant period of time with a letter of amends, empathy, and attempting to address their complaints before they stop trying. However, sometimes giving up is best for everyone."
These abusive parents are not trying to address the problem or make amends. They are reaching out and going "whhatttt? what's wroongnggg?" after you've told them a million times. Not that you'd have to: they already know what they've done wrong. But their victims tell them anyway, and they keep playing stupid, blubbery, whiney victims. "ME Me me I I I"
The missing missing reasons.
Harassing your offspring is not "worrying about them" or "giving til it hurts" or "putting them first". It's a *crime*. It's gross, weird, and repellent.
You had your chance and you refused to take it. Now live in a world where your grandchildren are happy and healthy without you, likely with a new grandparent figure your offspring chose for them.
Their lives are beautiful. Yours is ruined. You did it to yourself.
This comment is typical of influencers and therapists that have encourage the No Contact trend. That you are citing an article that has a total lack of emphaty towards parents doesn't give validation to what you are saying because that comment is putting all estranged parents in the same box and ignoring that every person and every case is different.
Sadly the No Contact trend has become a trend encouraged by influencers and therapists in individual therapy that are unable to see the other side of the story.
This comment is typical of abusers who blame the very people *they were tasked with raising*. Your offspring turned out badly according to you? You raised 'em!
Time to take responsibility for your own actions. No one can do it for you. You have to want it.
You are obviously a troll with the same talking points of the trend, showing black or white mentality and many cognitive distortions. It's obvious that you aren't interested in learning or sharing anything. You are showing that you have an assumption that all EP are abusers, and all EC are victims.
No one said all. Straw man arguments will not work here.
It only takes a few sentences to be able to tell whether someone has been cut off because they deserved it. It's the way you talk. It's the way you describe things. It's the way you frame them.
That is how people can tell that you are an abuser and a victim blamer.
That's a cognitive distortion. Assuming that you know everything about someone you don't know. It's like a God complex
Nah, God complex is refusing to look at yourself and improve.
I don't think you can generalize about all estranged parents any more than a parent can generalize about all estranged adult children. Please make sure your comments come from a place of kindness or compassion here.
Our statements stand. Their lives are beautiful. Yours is ruined. You did it to yourself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFLtNYI3Ls
Hi Karen, yes I talk about that as the "cult of one" in my book Rules of Estrangement. I'll try to post more about that here though.
Thank you. I will look for your book.
I really appreciate this, Dr. Coleman. I’m dealing with a narcissistic daughter-in-law, who has isolated our son from us. After numerous conversations, letters, etc., I am realizing that just leaving them alone and giving him the space he needs is probably the only way. If you have any books or articles on how to deal with a narcissistic daughter-in-law, it would be much appreciated.
We were in your position. We stopped reaching out for a year as Dr Coleman suggests, then my husband reached out to our son and has been able to maintain a tentative relationship with him (coffee once a month). I have stepped back and tried to stay out of the picture as I am her target. It is all we can hope for right now, but I think our son may be slowly waking up to her behaviour.
Pleased for you that you have some contact. We are also hopeful that our son will wake up one day and realize the truth. He and his wife will be here next month for two family events. They are not staying with us and we have no idea if we will have any alone time or any conversations with him at all. I hope things keep improving for you.
I hope the same for you. This has been the most painful experience I’ve ever had.
Same for us. I never would have thought this could happen to our family.
Yes, sometimes that is indeed the only option. Hope you find the book helpful
I believe you have written an article about therapists. Where can I find it, please? Thank you!
HI Jeanne. You can find it here: https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/post/when-therapists-encourage-family-cutoffs-are-we-helping-or-harming
Thank you.
Thank you!
Year and a half in of respecting their boundary. Thank you for mentioning that you're still a parent accepting or tolerating the only option handed to you. Just starting your book.
Thank you Dr. Coleman. My son ended contact nearly 4 years ago, and unfortunately, I reached out for his birthday that year. Then I reached out every six months for a couple years. (One of those was an amends letter written per your excellent books.) Then, about a year ago, family told me how angry he was anytime he heard from me, so I asked them to tell him that I wouldn't reach out anymore, but that I would always love him and always welcome contact from him. I didn't expect him to reach out, and he hasn't. But here's a benefit not mentioned among the many excellent reasons in the article: simply knowing I'm not putting myself out there anymore has done wonders for my mental health.
Yes, that can definitely be a benefit. In addition, just knowing that you've done everything that you can do and you don't need to keep trying.
Agreed.
Fathers feel that pain too. Believe me.
I greatly appreciate the post, Dr. Coleman. It is very relatable and appreciated to have some advice. I have not heard from my son in years or had a real response from him except when I threatened last year to come to his house directly. At that point, he agreed to have a phone call with me. He spent 20 minutes telling me what I did wrong as a parent. He told me I could email him back if I had a response. I think it’s time to give up. I agree it might not be forever and I will likely try as I do occasionally out of desperation and sadness. I will always have a door open, but my heart has to move on. I figured I live or I die over this. Because it is overwhelmingly sad. Thank you so much for this for this forum. It is amazing.
Great to see you here
Very succinct. Well said.
Great to see you on Substack. Excellent article.
Gretchen
Thanks Gretchen!