Thank you so much. For maybe the first time, I feel heard as an estranged parent. I hope the narrative can widen to include our pain and what we need to heal.
this. this is my life completely. 100%, 1000%. I loved my son and my daughter so very very much. I didn't "just" give them the best I could, I gave everything I had and more. I got counseling, knowing that as a 19 yr old mom, I had zero knowledge of what to do, having been abandoned by my mother - on a effing bus - and raised by an alcoholic always intoxicated dad (but he was also very loving, but violent; yes, people can be both)... I dedicated my life to learning about parenting, to listening, to caring, to hearing the kids, to making sure they were seen, to acknowledging their feelings. We talked about all the feelings. I refused to allow certain words in the house - "bad, dumb, stupid" were never allowed by anyone bcz I was called those things. "Ugly" and mocking - never allowed. We worked hard bcz I had no money so I pushed myself very hard, and maybe pushed them too. We sat on the bed most nights and talked. I sang to my daughter almost every night until she told me to stop. I would make up the words to a basic melody I sang over and over "my little girl, ...." I sang it to her until she fell asleep. I patted my son's back until he fell asleep, he got so used to it, that I could not stop or he would start crying... so I often fell asleep on the side of his bed. I went to - everything. I was there - for everything. I gave them - everything. Because I had nothing? sure. But also because I loved them , with my entire being. When my son died in 2013, we were devastated and crawled out of the grief together. I carried my daughter through that the best I could, we leaned on each other - I guess too much so, they say now. And then ....swish.... in the blink of an eye, on a Friday afternoon, by a TEXT msg... she disappeared and took herself and all my grandgirls with her... swish... my life ended. Were is not for Dr Coleman... and the group we've connected with in his world, I would not have made it to this "other side," of unnecessary grief. THIS ARTICLE!!! explains it all so clearly. I didn't just "do my best" I have it all I had. What would my daughter have preferred? that I never loved her at all like I was never loved?
I’m so sorry for your pain. You seem like a great mom. Not perfect, because no one who’s human is perfect. Please remember to be kind to yourself and remember how special and amazing and truly wonderful you are. You are not alone. What’s happened to you is happening to so many of us. Blessings and love and light.
Thank you Dr. Coleman. You give voice to the voiceless parents who have been silenced through the trauma of being cast out. Given labels automatically as a “cast off” as if you are somehow irredeemable. Abusive in the worst ways. It is the most horrific pain I have ever known to be erased, to be shown through silence that I am not worth a conversation, an explanation. How can one not automatically go to self-loathing, isolation when cast off by the one you love more than life itself? I have been the parent who put that child on a pedestal. Worshipped them. Gave them everything. All of my being. All of my soul. And I grew up with a mother who never said she loved me. She was abusive. She neglected me. Beat me. Ridiculed me. Of course I am wounded. Yet, I craved her to love me. I spent a lifetime trying to be “good” to get her approval. Her love. She died and I never received it. I never knew my father until I was 18. And even then he has never really been a part of my life. Though I try just like I did with my mother to understand him. To know him. Never feeling enough. I never wanted my child to feel for an instance they weren’t enough. That they weren’t loved more than the breath I breathed. And somehow I loved too much? It is wrong to love someone to that degree as it keeps them from individuating now? Is that the abuse? It’s all madness. I was too involved in their well being? Gave them every opportunity. My world revolved around them. And now…they are gone. No explanation. No reasons. We used to talk about everything. We were so very close. I miss the sound of their voice. Their laugh & their hugs most of all. Why am I not deserving of knowing what went wrong? Why when they know very well I have always wanted to have the healthiest relationship with them, that felt best to them. I am not averse to therapy. In fact I have had much therapy working on myself. And I have gotten them therapy when they needed help. I am open to any dialogue. Yet they only offer me silence?!? So this is where I remain in a silent tomb. Yet there is still a pocket of air. Somehow we fight for breath to stay alive. But for how long? How long can any parent take this unrelenting pain? Thank you for breathing air into this tomb of silence where I still lay, gasping for breath, wanting to understand how I got here. Why would my child place me in this grave? How do I get myself out? How do I find purpose? How do I silence my own torturous voices examining every mistake I may have ever made no matter how small or big trying to make sense of it?
This article helped me connect some dots from my “sandwich generation” of parental estrangement. I had forgotten the “in” book - “Toxic Parents” by Dr. Susan Forward (1989) which was all the rage when I, at 34, was struggling through my realizations of my parents having given me less then I needed (both as a child and a young adult). I made a choice to not label my parents. I sought to understand what I knew about their childhoods and how I could grasp its impact on their lives. In 2006, when I was essentially shunned by my family after my father’s death, I turned to “A” book for solace - “Healing from Family Rifts” by Mark Sichel, CSW (2004). In 2012, when our 20 year old son took his college year “hiatus” from the family, I turned to Dr. Coleman’s book “When Parents Hurt” (2008) and had two sessions with him. I found “Done with the Crying” by Sheri McGregor, M.A. (2016) after our daughter’s “hiatus” following her wedding in 2018. This was the first time that I became aware of on-line “support groups.” I was interviewed by Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. during his research phase for his book “Fault Lines” (2020) - after a 15 year estrangement from my mother, I had had a 1 year reconciliation with her both at my initiation and through my radical acceptance. I found Dr. Coleman’s book “Rules of Estrangement” (2021) when my son took his second “hiatus” as a young adult during COVID (our relationship is now healed). Fast forward to 2023 when my daughter [then 31] made her declarations of family trauma. We (I bring in my husband -and the father of our children - now as this phase has been our journey together) were recently told that we have a NC until February, 2026. What is different with this most recent estrangement scenario in my life? The plethora of books, and on-line sources/connections to “explore” these issues. BOTH from AC’s perspective and ours as parents [my husband and I have a list of such…]. I believe what has been lost (? Not tolerated) is the opportunity and need to slow done, let things settle, and spend time inside feeling the pain and making sense of it. The need to look inward - the “noise” of the outer world validates a reality and precludes examination of deeper truths. Best for all of us!
Hello Dr Coleman. Wanted to share a text I just sent my husband after reading your post.
“Dr Coleman has really hit his stride lately. The Half-Self concept discussion definitely fit our situation. The discussion below is nothing short of brilliant & a real paradigm shift ‘calling out’ therapists & a whole generation of adult children. Bravo to Dr Coleman! 👏👏👏
PS - Have also wondered if XXXXX has thought about why I’m doing EDMR therapy? Thank you for sharing that with XXX.”
Your post is excellent Dr Coleman - Wouldn’t change a word of it!
Thank you so much. For maybe the first time, I feel heard as an estranged parent. I hope the narrative can widen to include our pain and what we need to heal.
this. this is my life completely. 100%, 1000%. I loved my son and my daughter so very very much. I didn't "just" give them the best I could, I gave everything I had and more. I got counseling, knowing that as a 19 yr old mom, I had zero knowledge of what to do, having been abandoned by my mother - on a effing bus - and raised by an alcoholic always intoxicated dad (but he was also very loving, but violent; yes, people can be both)... I dedicated my life to learning about parenting, to listening, to caring, to hearing the kids, to making sure they were seen, to acknowledging their feelings. We talked about all the feelings. I refused to allow certain words in the house - "bad, dumb, stupid" were never allowed by anyone bcz I was called those things. "Ugly" and mocking - never allowed. We worked hard bcz I had no money so I pushed myself very hard, and maybe pushed them too. We sat on the bed most nights and talked. I sang to my daughter almost every night until she told me to stop. I would make up the words to a basic melody I sang over and over "my little girl, ...." I sang it to her until she fell asleep. I patted my son's back until he fell asleep, he got so used to it, that I could not stop or he would start crying... so I often fell asleep on the side of his bed. I went to - everything. I was there - for everything. I gave them - everything. Because I had nothing? sure. But also because I loved them , with my entire being. When my son died in 2013, we were devastated and crawled out of the grief together. I carried my daughter through that the best I could, we leaned on each other - I guess too much so, they say now. And then ....swish.... in the blink of an eye, on a Friday afternoon, by a TEXT msg... she disappeared and took herself and all my grandgirls with her... swish... my life ended. Were is not for Dr Coleman... and the group we've connected with in his world, I would not have made it to this "other side," of unnecessary grief. THIS ARTICLE!!! explains it all so clearly. I didn't just "do my best" I have it all I had. What would my daughter have preferred? that I never loved her at all like I was never loved?
I’m so sorry for your pain. You seem like a great mom. Not perfect, because no one who’s human is perfect. Please remember to be kind to yourself and remember how special and amazing and truly wonderful you are. You are not alone. What’s happened to you is happening to so many of us. Blessings and love and light.
Thank you Dr. Coleman. You give voice to the voiceless parents who have been silenced through the trauma of being cast out. Given labels automatically as a “cast off” as if you are somehow irredeemable. Abusive in the worst ways. It is the most horrific pain I have ever known to be erased, to be shown through silence that I am not worth a conversation, an explanation. How can one not automatically go to self-loathing, isolation when cast off by the one you love more than life itself? I have been the parent who put that child on a pedestal. Worshipped them. Gave them everything. All of my being. All of my soul. And I grew up with a mother who never said she loved me. She was abusive. She neglected me. Beat me. Ridiculed me. Of course I am wounded. Yet, I craved her to love me. I spent a lifetime trying to be “good” to get her approval. Her love. She died and I never received it. I never knew my father until I was 18. And even then he has never really been a part of my life. Though I try just like I did with my mother to understand him. To know him. Never feeling enough. I never wanted my child to feel for an instance they weren’t enough. That they weren’t loved more than the breath I breathed. And somehow I loved too much? It is wrong to love someone to that degree as it keeps them from individuating now? Is that the abuse? It’s all madness. I was too involved in their well being? Gave them every opportunity. My world revolved around them. And now…they are gone. No explanation. No reasons. We used to talk about everything. We were so very close. I miss the sound of their voice. Their laugh & their hugs most of all. Why am I not deserving of knowing what went wrong? Why when they know very well I have always wanted to have the healthiest relationship with them, that felt best to them. I am not averse to therapy. In fact I have had much therapy working on myself. And I have gotten them therapy when they needed help. I am open to any dialogue. Yet they only offer me silence?!? So this is where I remain in a silent tomb. Yet there is still a pocket of air. Somehow we fight for breath to stay alive. But for how long? How long can any parent take this unrelenting pain? Thank you for breathing air into this tomb of silence where I still lay, gasping for breath, wanting to understand how I got here. Why would my child place me in this grave? How do I get myself out? How do I find purpose? How do I silence my own torturous voices examining every mistake I may have ever made no matter how small or big trying to make sense of it?
Got that part right, probably, but the real question is, why did one generation tolerate that and not the other?
This article helped me connect some dots from my “sandwich generation” of parental estrangement. I had forgotten the “in” book - “Toxic Parents” by Dr. Susan Forward (1989) which was all the rage when I, at 34, was struggling through my realizations of my parents having given me less then I needed (both as a child and a young adult). I made a choice to not label my parents. I sought to understand what I knew about their childhoods and how I could grasp its impact on their lives. In 2006, when I was essentially shunned by my family after my father’s death, I turned to “A” book for solace - “Healing from Family Rifts” by Mark Sichel, CSW (2004). In 2012, when our 20 year old son took his college year “hiatus” from the family, I turned to Dr. Coleman’s book “When Parents Hurt” (2008) and had two sessions with him. I found “Done with the Crying” by Sheri McGregor, M.A. (2016) after our daughter’s “hiatus” following her wedding in 2018. This was the first time that I became aware of on-line “support groups.” I was interviewed by Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. during his research phase for his book “Fault Lines” (2020) - after a 15 year estrangement from my mother, I had had a 1 year reconciliation with her both at my initiation and through my radical acceptance. I found Dr. Coleman’s book “Rules of Estrangement” (2021) when my son took his second “hiatus” as a young adult during COVID (our relationship is now healed). Fast forward to 2023 when my daughter [then 31] made her declarations of family trauma. We (I bring in my husband -and the father of our children - now as this phase has been our journey together) were recently told that we have a NC until February, 2026. What is different with this most recent estrangement scenario in my life? The plethora of books, and on-line sources/connections to “explore” these issues. BOTH from AC’s perspective and ours as parents [my husband and I have a list of such…]. I believe what has been lost (? Not tolerated) is the opportunity and need to slow done, let things settle, and spend time inside feeling the pain and making sense of it. The need to look inward - the “noise” of the outer world validates a reality and precludes examination of deeper truths. Best for all of us!
This expresses exactly what I feel. Thank you.
Thank you for this piece Josh. I think it describes the essence of estrangement for my family key and maybe for many others.
I feel a big issue is that empathy is lacking in our adult children and in our society today.
Thank you. Once again, a great article.
Hello Dr Coleman. Wanted to share a text I just sent my husband after reading your post.
“Dr Coleman has really hit his stride lately. The Half-Self concept discussion definitely fit our situation. The discussion below is nothing short of brilliant & a real paradigm shift ‘calling out’ therapists & a whole generation of adult children. Bravo to Dr Coleman! 👏👏👏
PS - Have also wondered if XXXXX has thought about why I’m doing EDMR therapy? Thank you for sharing that with XXX.”
Your post is excellent Dr Coleman - Wouldn’t change a word of it!
Thank you & best wishes,
“A Decade of Estrangement by Our Only Child”